Hmph.

Disclaimer: after writing this post and then re-reading it I realize that I sound like a spoiled brat and I understand that I come across this way (because, let's face it, I am sort of a spoiled brat). Please only read this post if you are prepared to listen to my rantings and thinking out loud. I just had to get it out of my system.

I know you have seen this post title before: Hmph.

Hmph is how I feel when I just don't feel like I have anything to bring to the table, or when I am feeling defeated and bogged down by this athletic training and healthy journey (I guess you could call it) that I've embarked on.

While I am SO FREAKIN' EXCITED that I lost 3 pounds last week, and have passed the 10 pound mark, I am feeling so exhausted and fat the last few days. Let's recap, shall we?

• Thursday: Pizza and Wine girl date with Jen. Ate too much. Drank too much. Jen, we must do better. :)
• Friday: Home alone because Tom was at annual Cold Weather Campout. Watched a movie and (again) had wine.
• Saturday: Brunch baby shower and sushi feast and three beers with Bex. Went to bed feeling bloated and gross, like my body was rejecting all the breakfast casserole, cake, and sugar I had eaten during the day.
• Sunday: Superbowl Sunday. 'Nuff said.
• Monday Lunch: it's snowing like crazy here, therefore the casino is understaffed and they have shut down the employee dining room where I usually get a beautiful salad and cottage cheese for lunch. Instead, we ate at the buffet and I totally over did it. I feel like there is a rock in my stomach and I'm so pissed because I can tell that those three glorious pounds are sneaking back one scoop of ice cream at a time. Sitting at my desk feeling fat and gross....and....pale.
• Monday Night: Tom's birthday dinner tonight and I'm dreading it.

See, isn't that terrible? I'm dreading my own beautiful perfect husband's birthday dinner because I'm afraid I'll eat too much and then I'll feel bad about myself.

Wait, as I typed that sentance I just realized I used 'I' three times and 'myself' once.

That's not what Tom's birthday is about! It is about celebrating HIM and having fun with HIM and loving on HIM all day and night! Not sitting in a corner like a pouty baby worrying about myself and saying, "Oh no, sorry, I can't eat that."

But that's how I feel. Defeated. Angry. Just in a MOOD, you know? I am mad at myself because I had such a good thing going and I feel like I've ruined it all in a few short days. I would go exercise to clear my head a little but I am stuck HERE in this stupid windowless office working all day. Plus the gym is closed because of the bad weather and I can't run outside because of said bad weather.

Sigggghhhhhhh....I am just mad at the world can you tell?

And I am dreading the weigh-in on Wednesday because I'm certain the scales will not tip in my favor. And then I'll have to do a blog post about how I didn't lose weight and that will piss me off. All because of bad choices I've made the last few days.

Hmph.

*****

I need to change my attitude.

Lord, please lay your healing hands on my and change my attitude for me. Thanks.

Okay that didn't work. Prayer and conversation with God is therapeutic for me, but God cannot wave his magic Godly wand and make my bad attitude disappear.

Instead I must re-program my way of thinking today.

Instead of focusing on this bad week of eating, focus on the good.

Good that I lost three pounds last week.

Good that I can now run for an hour and a half without stopping.

Good that I can swim 3/4 of a mile when just a week ago I could only do 1/4.

Good that it is snowing in Mississippi today. Even though I am stuck at work, I know that in a few hours my hun will come pick me up and we will drive through this little Delta Winter Wonderland to get home to our warm house and doggies.

While I don't love this windowless office, I am thankful to have a job and an income during a time when most people do not. Awww...as I typed that I heard this outside my office:

Boss Man: "Hey Felecia?"

Felecia the Admin: "Yes sir?"

Boss Man: "Thanks for helping out today."

Felecia the Admin: "Oh, you're welcome."

It's the little things, you know?

I can make it through the birthday dinner. I am so thankful my husband was born and we are celebrating that day today. What my life would be like if Tom had never been born....something I don't even want to think about!

*****

So while it is easy to get bogged down with the bad, I have so many things to be thankful for and to be proud of. A few bad days of eating and a few (hundred) extra calories consumed will not break me, and will not let me fall back into bad habits of eating and no exercise.

No siree, that devil on my shoulder telling me I can't do it, that I'm too weak and too fat and too busy for 'me time' can just get on outta here because I can make my own good decisions.

Okay thank you for the vent session I feel better now.